20 Questions - Niles family

Maybe there are some questions you'd like to ask or are curious about something, and this is the time. Feel free to click on "comments" under the post and list a question or you can email me and I will forward on the question saramicheleallen@hotmail.com

Tell us a little about your family?
Mark was raised in Fort Wayne. Christine moved here in 1994, and we met a couple of years later. We were married in 1998, and spent the first eight years working, traveling, scuba diving. In the spring of 2006, we saw a newspaper article about a program that brings groups of orphans from Ukraine to the US for 2-3 week visits. The program was looking for homes that could host one or more kids, and it looked “interesting” to us. Little did we know that this would change our lives… As a result of this program, we traveled to Ukraine in the summer of 2007 to adopt Masha, who was then 12. While we were there, we met Lena and fell in love. After 2 ½ years of paperwork and delays, we were invited to travel to Ukraine again just after her 14th birthday for her adoption, and we became a family of four last January!

How long have you attended PCC?
We moved to PCC from Fellowship Missionary shortly after PCC formed in early 2002(??)

What made you join True Vine?
Since our lives have been transformed by adoption, God has really placed a burden on our hearts to find creative ways to care for the fatherless and to support other families in their adoption journeys. True Vine is a great example of how God uses each of our passions and strengths for the good of His family!

Tell us about your adoption stories
I could go on for pages and pages, and the theme always comes back to trusting God. With our first adoption, we weren’t even planning to adopt, and God really hit us on the head with a 2x4. He just kept clearing the way for us and overcoming our own objections to the adoption before we even had them…We were so blessed to have a smooth 9-month process with very few challenges at a time when so many people had long delays with Ukraine. We met Masha in August 2006, traveled to her orphanage in Ukraine the following May, and returned home with her in June 2007. Our second adoption stretched us a little more. When we met Lena in May 2007, she was not eligible for adoption. We still fell in love with her and committed to find ways to love and encourage her while respecting her situation and the culture and laws of Ukraine. We had an opportunity to bring her to the US for a 2-week hosting program in the summer of 2008. Even though she was still not adoptable, we knew the experience would provide her with a unique sense of hope and encouragement. God proved His faithfulness again, and on the final day of her visit with us, we all received the news that her documentation had been approved and that she would be placed on the “registry” in Ukraine. This meant that she would be eligible for international adoption in a little over a year.

Did others influence you to adopt?
No. At the time we started our adoption journey, we really didn’t know anyone else who had gone through this process, and didn’t have any real support structure. We started talking to anyone that would listen about what we were doing, and it was amazing how quickly we discovered people who had connections to the adoption community who were then able to encourage and advise us!

Why do you feel so passionate about adoption?
Our passion for adoption continues to grow because our lives have just been so changed and blessed by these girls. Our hearts break for the many, many children that are still without families.

What has been the most rewarding part of adopting?
We’re blessed in that we have been able to provide a safe healing environment for two girls who have suffered great losses. We hope we’re helping them learn that they have hope and opportunities for their futures and that we’re guiding them in setting goals and making wise choices. But at the end of the day, our biggest reward is when we see them hug, or hear them talking and giggling after lights-out…they are truly sisters and we are blessed.

What made you decide to adopt older children?
It may sound horrible, but I (Christine) have never been very comfortable with small kids—they kind of scare me! Older kids (especially girls) bring with them a whole different set of challenges, but I feel much better equipped to relate to the girls and be their mom.

What things do you do to promote attachment with an older child?
Spend time with them and listen!! In the early teen years, they are naturally moving toward individuating…growing into their own individual personalities and becoming more independent. Building attachment at this age is a tricky balance, but the most important thing we’ve learned is to recognize them as people, to listen and understand them, to accept and love every part of them, and to continue to love them as they make mistakes.

Were you scared to adopt, 'jumping in' at age 12 and how did you deal with this?
Oddly, not really. Everyone says we’re crazy, but throughout both adoptions we felt a total peace that this is how our family was meant to come together. We certainly had questions, but as our journey progressed we met many adoptive parents of older kids both in Fort Wayne and through online communities. They shared their successes and challenges, and we were able to learn a lot from them. In addition, we read lots of books about attachment and teen psychology that really helped!

How did you pick Ukraine as the country to adopt from?
If we had started our adoption journey from the beginning and tried to make plans for ourselves, we may have ended up in a different country…but God’s plans were a little bit different for us. As I mentioned earlier, we met Masha through a hosting program and we met Lena when we were there. We knew they were meant to be our daughters, and Ukraine is where they happened to live.

Did you have people try to dissuade you from adopting and how did you handle this?
We did have a few people that insisted on telling us how crazy we were, or who asked why we didn’t want a baby. One family member sat down at Thanksgiving and not so kindly explained that we not only had no clue what we were getting ourselves into, but that we really had no chance of this being a success. While it was difficult, we just kind of nodded and listened, and then totally ignored them! We learned that most of those comments were coming from a place of personal issues or challenges, and not from any judgment of us. As a result, we learned to listen politely and then just ignore them and take joy in the supportive people we chose to keep close to us.

What is it like in Ukraine?
Ukraine is a very proud country. Despite living under Soviet rule for generations, Ukraine has held tight to its own culture and language and is now fighting hard to rebuild their independent economy. Throughout the country, people typically speak both Russian and Ukrainian. Everyday things—TV, billboards, items in the grocery—are generally in Russian, while government and legal documentation is all in Ukrainian. The rural areas of Ukraine remain more under the Soviet influence, and most cities are populated with soviet-style apartment blocks, but also have ample shopping and restaurants. Modern cars (GM, VW, Honda) mix with older Soviet cars on the streets. Cell phone coverage is great in all but the most remote areas. Ukraine is farther south than most people think, between Russia and the Black Sea, and their climate is very similar to ours. People are much more publicly reserved than in America—no one smiles or makes eye contact in the street or shops, and no one says “excuse me” when they bump into you on the train. But they open up when there’s some kind of personal connection, and in social situations, they are warm, funny, and extremely hospitable.

Explain the process to adopt in Ukraine?
Ukraine is very unusual in that it’s a “blind referral” country. This is to protect children and adoptive families from corruption, but it makes for a very unusual process that many adoptive parents don’t understand. In Ukraine, all referrals (matching of families with children) are granted by a single governmental agency, the State Department of Adoption (SDA). All other ways of finding a child (hosting, photolisting, etc) are technically illegal. While a family can (and we did) request a referral for a “known” child, it is illegal for an orphanage or any other party to “hold” that child for a specific family.

As with any international adoption, the process begins with a home study and approval from the US Immigration authorities (USCIS), then the Ukrainian dossier is compiled, translated, and submitted to the SDA. This can take as little as 8 weeks or as long as several months, depending on the age of the child(ren) and how aggressive and organized the parents are.

Once the dossier is submitted, the parents wait for an invitation to meet in-person with the SDA in Kiev to receive their referral. In typical cases, the SDA works to identify 2-3 children who appear to be a good match for the family, reviews those children’s files with the both parents during the appointment, and then the family chooses a child to meet. Our meetings were a little shorter; we only reviewed the one file for each of our girls.

After this meeting, the family receives official documents permitting them to travel to the child’s orphanage and meet them. After meeting the child and agreeing to move forward, the parents file documents signaling their intent to adopt. Again, as a blind-referral country, it is impossible to prepare or process anything for the local adoption of the child before meeting the child, so this is the start of the local adoption process. For typical Ukrainian families, it can take several weeks or months to get the local adoption hearing, but most international adoption processes take about 2-3 weeks, during which many documents are prepared and shuffled back and forth between the local lawyers, notaries, courthouse, and the SDA in Kiev. Both parents are required to remain in the local region, and frequent trips to the notary are common!

After the court hearing where the adoption is approved by the local courts, there is a mandatory 10-business-day appeal period before the adoption is final and the family can take custody of the child. Unlike former times, this is NEVER waived, and many families return to the US at this point. After the waiting period, it’s possible for just one parent to go back to Ukraine to pick up the child. This second trip is typically about a week and during this time, a new birth certificate and passport are issued, and the child is taken to the US Embassy and issued an entry visa which grants them US citizenship upon landing in the US.

What has been the most difficult part of the adoption process?
The most difficult part was remaining patient and trusting God’s timing through the uncertain times where the next step was out of our hands.

What has been the most difficult part of transitioning your girls?
We have been blessed that neither of our girls have significant attachment issues, so for us, the biggest challenges have been cultural. In Ukraine, the culture is highly focused on appearances and money, and fashion is very important to most women. It has taken time for the girls to understand the American perceptions associated with what they consider “fashionable” and to adapt to a more modest style of dress.

How did you know adoption was the right choice for your family?
For us, there was never really any question...before Masha arrived for her hosting program, we prayed regularly for God to make His plan for her clear in our hearts, and He answered with an incredible peace for both of us about the decision.

If you could influence others to adopt, what would you say?
God builds families in so many ways; we would advise families to pray and listen closely for His clear guidance, trust in Him and not be swayed by individual stories (good or bad). On a more practical level, we would remind parents who are fearful of the challenges with raising adopted kids that there are no guarantees with “naturally-born” children, either, and that if you let Him, God will show you the way!

How have you become more involved in the True Vine ministry?
As part of the True Vine leadership team, we represent Pathway with the Fort Wayne Adoption Resource Group, which is working to connect the various adoption and orphan care groups in the city, and to organize adoption-oriented events such as speakers and parent forums. We also lead a small group for families who are in-process/waiting to adopt, and assist with True Vine events such as the garage sale.

Anything else you would like to add?
I think the most important thing is to have realistic expectations for yourself and for the child(ren)…don’t expect them to be perfect and grateful and obedient. First, they are kids, and second, they are kids that have been deeply wounded—for whatever reason, they have lost their birth family, which is something that most of us take for granted. In addition many of these kids have experienced poverty, neglect, or abuse that deeply influences their behavior. Be prepared to support and guide them, set boundaries and be consistent and compassionate in your discipline, seek out professional help before you think you need it, and know that your hard work, sleepless nights, and perseverance will be rewarded!

see their family blog right here

Beauty Of Adoption

This picture doesn't need words, yet there is so much to say. Those smiles say it all from where they have come from. Two children, born in Guatemala and China. Two children adopted into loving families. Two children who get to not only have basic needs met, but to experience growth from the stability of a family. Two children who are loved unconditionally. Two children who get experience what life has to offer. Two children who are adored by their parents and siblings. Two children who will grow up knowing God loves them and provided a way, as well as provide a way eternally. Thank you for the gift of adoption